KinderKronicle Preview:

Interpretive Stage

Preview Month 61 and Month 84 of KinderKronicle

Month 61

Once parents have taken the time to “interpret [themselves] as parent[s],” the most important task of the Interpretive Stage becomes how to interpret the world to the children, meaning that parents need to decide “how they are going to interpret their children’s existence to them; what facts they want to share, what behavior,…manners, [and personal character traits] they want to teach, and what [family] values they want to impart.”

Interpreting the World to the Children

Once parents have taken the time to “interpret [themselves] as parent[s],” the most important task of the Interpretive Stage becomes how to interpret the world to the children, meaning that parents need to decide “how they are going to interpret their children’s existence to them; what facts they want to share, what behavior,…manners, [and personal character traits] they want to teach, and what [family] values they want to impart.”1

Here is a discussion by Ellen Galinsky, author of The Six Stages of Parenthood, of the types of things parents may need to explain, or interpret, to their children:

“In almost every encounter with a child, parents are asked, verbally or nonverbally, to explain. Parents may choose not to or feel unable to answer. But if they do respond, they find themselves explaining facts: where the water in the sink comes from and where the water in the toilet goes, …how bridges are built over rivers, [and] why there are more right-handed people in the world than left-handed. Parents also pass on skills: How to solve the problem if there is one stick of gum and three kids, or how much change the child should get from the market.

Parents [also] interpret the social world: Why the man next door is always yelling, why a teenage baby-sitter said, ‘shut up,’ why a neighbor is moving, and why people get divorced. They warn their children of possible dangers—of not putting their hands into electric sockets or leaning out of windows or crossing the street without looking…

Parents deal with fears, from the fantasies of monsters in the dark corners of the room that younger children have to the fears of older children—of crazies on the street, of spiders scurrying across the floor, of pesticides, of prisons, war, nuclear radiation leaks, and eventual death. Essentially, parents find themselves being asked to describe their version of the world.”2

Remember, you, the parent, are the leader in your home. Along with interpreting the reality of the world that surrounds them, parents in the Interpretive Stage continue to set behavior standards and think about their expectations for their children. If you are unhappy with the authority relationship you have established, you can make changes. After all, you and your child are always growing and changing and so are your needs. The idea is to take a look at where you want to go, and where you are, then take steps to reconcile the two.

Galinsky states that parents who see family life as having ups and downs, rather than the way television sit-coms picture it, fare better, because they recognize that mistakes and changes are to be expected as their family works together to find a good balance.

Finally, interwoven throughout these tasks is the need and desire to transmit your family values to the children. In fact, as Galinsky points out, values are communicated in most dealings between parent and child. Every time a parent mediates a conflict or offers an opinion, that parent is transmitting values and morals to their child.

Your example also transmits values and morals to your child—what you do, what you say, and how you spend your time and energy all show what is important to you. Family Hour® is also a great way to consciously share your morals, values, and beliefs with your child. As you talk about the things that are important to you, engage in activities that highlight your values and morals, and work together as a family, your child gets a concentrated lesson on what values you as a family hold dear. And those values and morals are cemented in him as he is exposed to them daily in your home.

Now is a great time to talk with your spouse and children about what morals, values, and beliefs you value and want to focus on in your home. As their children start to approach the teenage years, many parents intensify their emphasis on values,3 but they are most effective when they consciously share their values and morals from the time their children are young. This is why KinderKronicle talks about the importance of Family Hour so often—because building a strong foundation of love, values, and togetherness right from the start helps your children stay strong when they need the most support.

As we said in Month 59 of KinderKronicle,

As you move through this stage, keep the things that are working, modify the things that need to change to meet your child’s changing needs, and make new decisions to help you move forward to your end goal—sending a happy, healthy, functional adult out into the world.

Galinsky, Ellen. The Six Stages of Parenthood. Da Capo Press, 1987.
Ibid.
Ibid.

Questions to Think About

The Interpretive Stage of parenting begins in earnest when your child enters school.

Here are some value/moral-related questions to think about as you determine how you would like to interpret the world to your child:

How do you explain what truth is?
How do you want to emphasize and model honesty to your child?
How do you want to explain differences in others to your child?
Do you acknowledge differences and then look for similarities?
How do you want to teach respect for others to your child?
How do you want your child to treat others?
Are you modeling the values you want your child to exhibit?
Are you actively sharing and practicing your values and moral behaviors with your child?
What are your priorities? Are your actions in line with your priorities?

Every family will have their own approach and answers to these questions, but every family will need to answer these questions, consciously or not. Proactively thinking about such questions helps you as parents to be ready when challenging questions or situations arise.

Child Chatter: What to Expect

Child Chatter: What to Expect from Me Developmentally During My 5th Year

Child: Hi, Mom and Dad! Can you believe I’m already five?

Parent: I know, it’s crazy! You are looking more and more like a big kid every day!

Child: Yup! And even though I’ve done a lot of growing already, I’ll do even more this year!

Parent: So, what should I be looking for in your development this year?

Child: I’m glad you asked! So, physically, I’m getting more and more capable. I should be getting pretty good at gross motor control, meaning that I can jump, I can balance pretty well, and I can start learning to swing and climb things pretty well on my own. I can also use the toilet with little to no help.

Parent: That’s great! How I can I help you with these gross motor control skills?

Child: That’s an easy one—play with me! Hopscotch, skipping, balancing games, and swings are all great ways to build my gross motor skills. I need the chance to run around, play on playground equipment, and practice moving my body’s bigger muscles. Free play on a playground is a great way to get the practice I need! I could even join my first sports team to get in some running and moving time.

Parent: Great, that sounds like fun! And what about fine motor control?

Child: During this year, I should get pretty good at dressing myself—including those tricky buttons! I can also use zippers. And I am getting better and better at using a fork and spoon correctly. If you give me a table knife, I can probably start learning how to use that safely, too. Oh! And I’m going to need to know how to hold a pencil correctly, how to hold crayons, and how to use safety scissors in kindergarten, so we can start practicing at home together!

Parent: We can definitely do that. Maybe I’ll let you practice your scissor skills on the papers I need to shred.

Child: Sounds good to me!

Parent: So, how about your emotional development? What should I expect there?

Child: Well, I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that I often will have more self-control now. The bad news is that I probably won’t be consistent. Regulating my emotions is hard, and it takes a lot of work! And when I start school it can be even harder, because if I’m trying to sit still and listen to rules and instructions all day at school, I can sometimes just be done when I get home, and I might melt down at home.

Parent: I understand. If it makes you feel any better, grownups sometimes have a hard time managing our big emotions, too.

Child: Really? Wow, that does make me feel better. Thanks. With that thought in mind, I want you to remember that five can be hard sometimes—I am becoming more of a big kid, but I’m still little in a lot of ways. So please be patient with me! On the good news side, if you have been teaching me self-regulation skills, I might start trying to use some of them—like trying to work out problems with my friends without asking for help right away, or I might try to calm down with big breaths if we practice that. Oh! And I do like to please you, so I will probably try to be cooperative more often, even if I’m still demanding a lot.

Parent: I will do my best to remember to be patient, thanks! How about social skills? Any new developments there?

Child: Oh, definitely! I should be easily understood by most people now, because my language skills should be pretty good at this point. I’m getting better at sharing, and better at higher-level thinking and problem-solving, too. I want to make friends, and I’m starting to feel and understand the idea of empathy for others—meaning I am starting to understand that other people may have a different point of view, and I’m more likely to care about my friends’ feelings, along with my own. In fact, besides working on self-regulation this year, learning empathy is really important. If you help me learn about feelings and how to care about what others are feeling now, I have a much better chance of success as I grow older. In fact, KinderKronicle is going to tell you all about empathy and how to help me learn these skills this year.

Parent: I’m glad to hear that. Well, it sounds like this is going to be a busy year in your development!

Child: For sure! Thanks for helping me to learn all these skills. It’s good to have a Mom and Dad who love me and help me. Thanks for all you do!

Sources:
http://www.pbs.org/parents/childdevelopmenttracker/five/index.html
https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/milestones-5yr .html
https://www .verywellfamily.com/5-year-old-developmental-milestones-620713

The 5:1 Ratio

In the 1970s, family and relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman helped lead several longitudinal studies about relationships. His team found that “The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions,”1 and that there is a “magic ratio” of 5:1, meaning that successful relationships have five or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction.2

While the research was focused on couples, the benefits can be used to maintain a close relationship with your child, too. As your child starts school, he begins to branch out and form attach- ments to others beyond the family circle—he will likely bond with teachers, make friends among his classmates, etc. But his bond with you remains his most important attachment. Remembering the 5:1 ratio can help keep your bond strong and happy.

For example, if you need to correct your child about something, follow up the correction with a hug and a reminder of your love for her. Spend time together doing something your child enjoys and give her your full attention on a regular basis. If you seem to be getting into a cycle of frustration with your child, take a step back, really look at her, and tell her some things that you appreciate about her.

There are going to be times of conflict in any relationship, whether it is a romantic couple relationship or a parent-child relationship. But the key to a happy, lasting relationship, according to Dr. Gottman and his team, is to make sure you maintain that magic ratio. KinderKronicle encourages parents to take a magic ratio inventory with their child frequently.

Month 84

With today’s information overload, a 24-hour news cycle, and competing ideas on what values to prioritize, it can be hard to know what is right, what is important, and what you should do as a parent to help your child grow and learn and progress.

It’s enough to make a parent want to throw their hands up and check out mentally. But this would be a mistake.You are your child’s parent. You know your child best. Trust your instincts! Outside influences, such as school, sports teams, church classes, or other such activities can be great places to reinforce the noble values, character traits, and virtues you teach at home, as well as great places to gain knowledge and skills.

Age Eight is a "Hinge Time"

Message from Vibert Kesler, Executive Director:

The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine issued a 525-page report titled Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8 which emphasizes the importance of a parent’s influence, especially during the first eight years of a child’s life.

Numerous groups, ranging from governmental institutions to educational, church, and other organizations, have recognized that age eight is a “hinge time” in the life of a child for many reasons, beginning with the fact that parental influence begins to wane while peer and societal influence steadily increases.

That’s not a bad thing—in fact, it’s part of the natural maturing process. Your child is now beginning his or her eighth year; Months 84 to 96 are also transitional in your life as a parent as you emphasize important principles to help your child build a lifelong moral compass.

The COVID-19 pandemic that swept across the world in 2020 brought disruption to every part of people’s lives—from shortages at the grocery store to disruptions in work, travel, school, and human relationships—even within families.

But it did cause a lot of parents to slow down, giving them an opportunity to focus on their families, to be involved in their learning, whether that might be reading and writing or moral education, and to be aware of what influences they are accepting into their homes.

Knowing what your child is being taught is a key part of being a productive parent. Productive parents are aware of what their child is learning, they are aware of who and what is influencing their child, and they work with their child to help him develop an effective moral compass to guide him throughout his life.

You are Your Child's First and Best Teacher

“If we don’t shape our kids, they will be shaped by outside forces that don’t care what shape our kids are in.”—Dr. Louise Hart, author of The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself

Ponder that opening quote from Louise Hart, Ed.D for a moment. She uses the phrase “shape our kids.” The Merriam-Webster dictionary lists various meanings for the word “shape,” including “to determine or direct the course or character of…”1 Synonyms include such words as mold, model, and build.

Hart’s message is loud and clear: If parents do not shape their kids, outside-the-home forces will! And those outside-the-home forces “don’t care what shape our kids are in.”

The precept that parents are their child’s first and best teacher is a true parenting principle.

It’s enough to make a parent want to throw their hands up and check out mentally. But this would be a mistake.

You are your child’s parent. You know your child best. Trust your instincts! Outside influences, such as school, sports teams, church classes, or other such activities can be great places to reinforce the noble values, character traits, and virtues you teach at home, as well as great places to gain knowledge and skills.

However, these same outside forces can be places or forces that don’t care what shape your child is in. As your child’s first, best, and most influential teacher, you can instill within in them virtues and noble values, practiced in the home, to act as a permanent moral compass, helping them safely navigate the world around them throughout their life.

1. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shape

Ways to Teach Your Child

As a parent, you are the person most invested in helping your child succeed. So, take the time to teach and learn with your child! We urge you to:

Be involved with your child’s school and schoolwork. Get to know the teachers and the curriculum being taught. Volunteer in the school if you can. There are often community councils, PTA, and PTO volunteer opportunities. Being involved in your child’s school gives you the chance to be aware of what is being taught, how it is being taught, and what the school is focused on. This helps you to know if the school’s culture is right for your child and your family.
Note: It is important to know what your child is being taught so you can reinforce skills and knowledge at home, and also so you can monitor and discuss differences between school and home values, methods, and ideas with your child when they arise.

Warning! Watch for red flags: For example, most schools and districts are going to be open with parents and the community about what curriculum they have selected, and will invite parent and community input. They also allow exemptions from some material if a parent feels their child would be better served by learning the skills or knowledge another way: i.e., exempting a child from a “maturation” or sex education lesson in health class because the parent wants to teach their child that information exclusively at home.

If a school isn’t willing to be transparent with parents about the curriculum, regardless of the topic, that is a big red flag which may require a parent to take action, such as insisting on transparency, or finding a school whose values better match those of your family.

Discuss what your child is learning and be willing to learn with her. Encourage your child without doing the work for her. Modeling a growth mindset can help your child learn that hard work will help her improve, even when something is difficult for her. For example:
- Share with your child when you are struggling with learning a new skill.
- Talk to her about how you regroup so you can try again with fresh enthusiasm.
- Talk about the accomplishment you feel when you see small improvements as you try and try again.
- Point out when your child shares something you hadn’t known before, and thank her for teaching you something.

Family dinners and Family Hour® are great times to share new information and to learn about new topics and ideas together. They are also good opportunities to learn what your child is thinking and what she is learning in school so you can support her as she grows in knowledge and understanding.

Read with your child and let him see you reading. Reading is a great way to expand your child’s horizons and understanding of others. Nonfiction books can help him learn new knowledge and skills, and fiction books with protagonists who are different from him help him see things from someone else’s perspective, which builds empathy skills. Reading a wide variety of books also helps your child learn new vocabulary words and broadens his perspective. Reading can help your child realize that learning can happen any time—not just in a school setting.

Idea: If you aren’t much of a reader yourself but want to encourage your child’s reading through your example, try audio books. You are still showing that words and stories and information are important, even if you access it in a different way.

“I vouch for the audio idea! When I grew up in the 1940s and 50s, before TV, great drama was available on the radio. My sister and I would huddle around the radio to listen to audio programs such as Grand Central Station, Let’s Pretend, The Shadow, The Thin Man, etc. These audio programs took us on fantastic adventures.”1 Vibert L. Kesler, Executive Director

Discuss your values and perspectives together. Help your children understand the “why” of your family values and what you believe. Over time, your children will inevitably hear and learn a lot of things that are contrary to your family values, because the world is made up of many different people with many different perspectives, values, and experiences.
When you foster an atmosphere of love, respect, and open communication in your home, it is easier to talk about these experiences and differences with your child. That way, when your child hears or is taught things that don’t seem to fit with what they are learning at home, you can discuss the parts you agree on, the parts you don’t, the “why” of where your thoughts on a matter differ, and how to be respectful and kind to others even when you disagree.

Family Hour® is a great time to teach your children. It gives you a set time in your schedule to focus on your family, which can help you build good habits into your life.

Editor’s note: When my children have questions about things they are learning in school—whether it is wanting to know more about a particular animal when they are in kindergarten, or wanting to know more about a historical event than is discussed in a middle school textbook—or when they come across attitudes or beliefs different from the ones taught in our home, we encourage them to come to us.

We then will look up the information together, or discuss the subject they are curious about. We feel that it is our responsibility as parents to help our children put the information they learn into context, so they can understand our viewpoint as well as the viewpoints of others.

We talk about the parts we agree on, the parts we don’t, and the “why” of where our thoughts on a matter differ. It is all part of the Interpretive Stage, and a great way to share our values and help our children interpret the world around them.

When you take the time to be involved, and to learn and grow together as a family, everyone is strengthened. Being present and involved with your child as you live and teach and encourage her in the values and virtues you hold dear is a powerful way to help her internalize a love of learning, a love for others, and a desire to make good choices. While your child will hopefully have many positive teachers and role models throughout her life, learning starts in the home with you.

What do you want the take-away lessons to be?

Grand Central Station | Old Time Radio Downloads: https://www.oldtimeradiodownloads.com; Google: Old Time Radio Shows; or find the

Child Chatter: I'm Seven

Child: Can you believe I’m already seven years old?

Parent: It’s pretty crazy, that’s for sure. The last seven years have gone really slowly and really quickly all at the same time. But I’m so glad I get to be on this journey with you!

Child: I am glad, too! Want to talk about what to expect over the next year in my development?

Parent: Of course! It’s always good to have a heads up! As long as we both remember that developmental milestones are more like guidelines.

Child: Definitely. Every kid develops at their own pace. In fact, it’s really important to not compare me with others. If you are worried, you can always talk to my pediatrician.

Parent: Good idea! So, what can we expect from your emotional development this year?

Child: My friends are starting to be more important to me. I’m getting better at sharing with others and I am more likely to cooperate with others. I understand teamwork a lot better, too!

Parent: That’s great! But why do you still lie or try to cheat sometimes?

Child: It’s not fun, I know. But it is normal! I’m trying to figure out where I fit, I’m still learning the difference between right and wrong, and I’m learning what is acceptable and what is not.

Parent: Okay. I will try to keep that in mind as I guide and teach you. I know it is important to let you know that you are loved, even—or maybe especially! —when you are acting unlovable.

Child: Yes! With your help, I will learn to make better choices as you give me consistent boundaries and consequences with love. Even though we started learning these things when I was a toddler, I need lots of reinforcement as I mature and retest my limits. I won’t always get it right, but I will do better with time and your help.

Parent: I know self-esteem starts to be an issue with some kids your age. What can I do to help you?

Child: Remember how we’ve talked about fostering a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset before? Well, that’s even more important now.

If you help me focus on learning good strategies for overcoming difficulties, and help me understand the value of hard work and consistent effort, I will be more likely to have more positive self talk.

For example, I will be more likely to remember that just because I can’t do something now, it doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to do it. Encourage my efforts—it helps me to know you are there to support me!

Parent: That’s a great idea. I know I feel better about myself when I tell myself things like “Practice makes better,” rather than “I’ll never be able to understand this.”

Child: Exactly! Oh! Some good news—I will probably start developing more empathy for others this year. I am learning how to resolve conflicts a bit better and I am starting to better understand and care about other people’s feelings.

Parent: So now is a great time to focus on the values we care about in our family.

Child: Yes! I am more likely to understand why our values are important and I want to help people around me. Since I am definitely working on my internal moral compass these days, learning good values from you will help me interact more positively with the world around me. I won’t always get it right, but I am definitely trying!

Parent: That is wonderful, and I am so proud of you.

Child: I’m glad! I need to know that, because this is a critical time in my life. I need to develop confidence in interacting with other people, in my schoolwork, and in my sense of self, because it gets harder as I get older and start comparing myself with others. If I learn now that I am capable and able to do hard things, then it is more likely that I will keep that confidence when things get hard as I get older.

Parent: Any suggestions on how I can help you with that?

Child: Sure! You can help me set goals for myself. Then I learn to rely more on internal rewards rather than external ones when I achieve my goals. You can also help me continue learning how to respect other people. I learn respect for myself when you show me love and celebrate my efforts.

Parent: I think helping you continue to learn responsibility is also important. It helps you think about consequences, it can give you a sense of accomplishment when you complete a chore, and it can help you feel valued, since your contribution really does matter.

Child: I don’t always love doing chores…but I know you are right. Those are important skills I’m learning! You can also help me develop confidence by spending time with me. Play with me! Read with me! When I feel wanted and loved, I feel more confident in my own worth.

Parent: I definitely want you to know that you are loved and valued, so I will do my best to show it. I know your emotions can be volatile sometimes, especially when you spend all day trying to properly self-regulate at school, so I will try to be patient and understanding when that happens, too.

Child: I’m so glad that you recognize that you are my safe place, where I feel comfortable letting go, even when the torrent of emotions I’m expressing are uncomfortable or frustrating for you sometimes. I am glad to have parents who love me so much and try their best!

Parent: I love you too! Any last bits of information you want to share?

Child: Oooh, yes! I’m learning a lot and I’m excited to learn. So please foster that love of learning by answering my questions when you can, and helping me to find the answers when you don’t know them. Learning to think and inquire and ask questions helps me to be better at critical thinking as I get older, and it helps me better understand myself, other people, and the world around me.

Parent: I will do my best!

Child: Thanks, Mom and Dad!

We like that the Program is simple and easy to use. I also appreciate the direct teaching ideas of how to be an effective parent. It is great to get a reminder of the principles each month in KinderKronicle. I really appreciate the assistance I have been given as a parent.

The Todd and Amy S. Family

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